HER STORY.

I once met this girl, sweetest girl you met, i know it sounds like a cliche but she was the kind that are quite, never say too much rarely annoy you or speak ill of others that last bit kinda facsinated me. I mean there was this other girl who was such a nag and a pain in the rear, and she sorta liked picking on the quite one. Watching her make rude remarks and sneers was enough to make you want to gag, but since i did not know any one of them, it used to serve as a free movie of sorts***i know its real mean to see some one getting picked on and doing nothing but my defence is i stood up for a her a couple of times and the last time she said to quote her "I dont need you help OK"****** and later on i once asked her why she never told the scorpion**class nickname for the nag*** to butt off and she said that the scorpoin needs an outlet too.

We ended in the as a two team onion growing force as i liked to call it, it was our agriculture project. She was a good sport if you over looked the fact that she had no idea how to weed or get our little shamba ready for the onions, neither did i but after countless panos where me and the school fork jembe formed an intimate realtionship i was better prepared.

Two weeks into our project we were working like a well oiled machine, she only spoke to me if i asked or said something and some of my friends told me to ask for a new teammate. But i kinda liked the silence it remined me of faima they were worlds apart coz faima was so sunny, always smilling, always up to something and never listening to a word i said, while she on the other hand rarely smiled she was also very shy and she never looked at anyone straight, diffrence is faima learned to be quite and she well she seemed liek she was born quite.

School closed but we had to come in every afternoon to water our onions a task hated but that had to be done, during this time bicpets and tricepts were compared and jocked about even the blisters from the jerry cans(sp) became such a norm people stopped complaining and talking about them too much.

Evertime we were done watering i left, i asked her to come but she said wanted to rest, so i left with some other others girls and they said she leaves at around 6 every day and that wierd would not suffice to descirbe her, i told them they were jerks, i walked home alone.

The next day i stayed behind with her, i sat sketching, she sat with her book, we left at 6 walked home not talking. This went on for two weeks, and school was almost back,i was not sure i had any friends left, but i was ok anyways they talked too much.

"He was my teacher".......huh "did you say something" i asked her, "He was my teacher he was wearing a checkered shirt and had on some khaki pants i was 5 years old."

She was looking at me, and she did not look sad nor had any expressions but i did not want to hear what she had to say, so i said nothing to encourage her, i just kept on sketching.

"I can still fell his hands on me his nail scratched my thighs its scratched me there too, he then took my hand and made me hold his D***, i was scared i wanted to run but he was holding my hand so tight. He asked me if i liked it, i shook my head, then he slapped me. I remember i running and that is it."

Did you tell you mom or dad, this was me asking, but she said she did not remember anything else, why, how come and did you still go back to that school? she did not remember all that, all she remembers is moving to our ka village a few months later.

I wanted to say i was sorry for her, but after the i dont need you help stint i doubted that she wanted my pity, so i kept quite, and i asked her what she wanted me do? she said nothing.

Me:Did it only happen once?
Her:Yes and no,
Me:Ok, but you only remember the first time?
Her:It wasnt him the second time.

I had no idea what to say, so all i said was "oh ok"? and she just smiled and told me if i was uncomfotable she would be quite.

If i was uncomfortable? me why, i was angry with myself for being such a fummbling idiot but think as hard as i could i had nothing btter that "oh ok" to say.

She said that her cousin had been nicer and had only molested her when was dead asleep all she knows is that everynight she went to sleep in in her room and the next morning she woke up bila underpants, the first time she thought it was her own forgetfullness, the second time she woke up with someone on top her with a hand on her mouth. She told her mom her mom, her mom told her dad, her dad scolded them and they beat her her up,when her folks weren't home for telling lies. So she just kept quite.

The worst bit was her cousin was back in town and he was acting as though he never did any wrong and it was bothering her because she was scared he might try and do something again.

That day we walked home me silent coz i had no idea what to say that would not come out dumb and foolish or crass for that matter. I just told her that she could count on me for anything, and she told me that i should promise to one day tell her story.
I had no idea what that meant and i did not ask, i just made a promise that i have no kept.

School opened and she did not come the first week, on that friday she killed herself. Everyone thought it was tragic and sad. I had a promise to keep, so i decided to volonteer, right now i work at this shelter for abused women, everyday it feels like i take abit of their pain with me, like i loose abit of my soul everytime i am unable to help someone because i feel i have failed and that i have let her die again, i cant even tell her story realy well, it seems all am good or is fummbling about.

I still promise to tell your story i just need to be ready for it

MEANDERING THOUGHTS.

A senseless mind, without thought, abandon and wrecking havoc, not in this world, not in my world. Numb from the silence its so very loud, i want it to stop, i simply just cant take it any more, i scream huh what no sound? i scream louder!!! why cant i hear my scream, i roll my tongue in my mouth yep its there, why roll my tongue i ask myself do i really require it for screaming? Whats the point any ways i have my tongue and yet still there is no sound........

The silence is growing serenading my senses,its music so sweet, i let myself go, why fight a battle you cant win, I tell myself "This is my soliloquy, This are my thoughts" they call my name, they seduce me, they reach for me, arms outstretched holding on.

She/he he/she take your pick stood there looking in the mirror,

do they know what i did?

have i lost my soul?

do i look sexy in this?

do i look paraniod?

The tired eyes and hollow being, if only mirrors could talk? Are you her or him? ever been them?

Is life a lesson to be learnt or survial for the fittest or just simply a test? Have i failed? to survive, to learn and to pass the ultimate test? If i had would i be sad or disappointed.

Will anyone ever see the prints? My prints in the sands of time to come or will they get washed away with tide?

My thoughts are moving to fast, now am wondering what sadness would look like? would it look more like me or more like you?or will it be faceless just emptyness. And happiness? is happiness the aroma of food to a hungry man or roses to a fikkle heart?

I want to say more but my shoulder hurts too much to continue.....

HERE COMES FOUR EYES.

FInally i decided to stop lying to myself, i do that sometimes, and YES You do it too, stop lying to yourself, so what was i saying yes, i went to the optician to get my glasses fixed, see thing is i had wekad them in my bag and had stepped on the bag and the lens broke. This way back in 2004 for those of you who are laughing and think am as blind as a bat NO i just can see things really well, or read very well, so if i have left comments that were way off now you know why.
Bantu if you dare try suggesting those round rimmed things i shall twanga you senseless. After loosing nearly 10 pairs (i have been wearing glasses since i was in class 8) i have finally decided if i loose this pair i shall pluck*****pluck because it seems i cant for the life of me wear lense***** get contact lenses



That baby is not my glasses but it looks like that tihihi, and the fitting was kazi kidogo due to my small nose so it wount slip when i bend to look down. Now to find a way to ensure i dont leave it in the subway or at some place like that, any hints people and suggesting that i weka a string is not helping.

And Bantu watch this space........