TO LAUGHTER WE TOAST!!!!

Scene at some pub in Ireland......

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "What was your toast?"
John said, "Here'sto spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, andthe other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come! ".

AND FOR THE WOMEN.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,
God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced" as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part.You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.. Now let's see............where did I put the useless tit?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib?????

TEARS THAT REFUSE TO FLOW.

You sit and brood your mistakes are catching up with you, you wonder if you will ever change?
"people never change, but situations change" isn't what you always say"
So why the sudden need to change?
coz they sit and call you heartless?
cold, brutish, egocentric, a user?
Haven't you learned anything about yourself up until now? you can never please people, you will break you back but still they will not be satisfied.

You shake you head trying to clear away the fog from the past, but you still wonder what has become of you, what happened to little girl who used to like smilling and who thought life was great one great adventure?

You try to shed a tear for her but, yours are tears that refuse to flow..........

THE DAY THAT WAS.

So am not well, fever, a nasty headache that feels like its the grandmother of all headaches and a feverblister. This is the aftermath of two almost nonrecolletable days yani i dont remember much of those two days. So i woke up leo and decided maybe i should enda hosi and see what is wrong with me.
I walk in, and go to the reception desk, a lady nurse asks me some questiosn that i have been trying to rem for the past 3 hours to no avail.

Lady takes my temperature and trys to pata a pulse, ok now how do i say this, my pulse is very quite yani haipendi kelele mob, so it whispers. Now the nurse was looking at me real funny, so i try to smile but i cant
damn i cant smile!!!!!!!!
my mind goes hyper!!!
then,
Darn it i should have kumbukad to paka my teeth vaseline.
The nurse decides my index finger must be dead and tries to look for a pulse elsewhere, she patas my heart whispering as in saying, yeah am here, now what is it that i can do for you?, but i guess it was too quite for her liking.
she walks back to her desk, talks on the phone, and she comes back to get a reading on my temperature, goes back on the phone tena. At this piont am beyond feeling feverish am feeling like am on fire(come to think of it it must have been the thousdands of clothes on me).
So mimi am seated there lost on thoughts of how to discard my clothes without people thinking me nuts when i see 2 other nurses and a doc walk my way and they have a what do you call those vitanda with wheels in hosi?strecher(sp) well any hoo they had one of those and i was asked if i can get on it. Why i wanted to ask, but i asked this....

DonQ: Are you reffering to me(brain to self of couse its you idiot kwani there is any one else seated here.
Doc: Yes Miss D.
DonQ:There is no need i can walk.

We walk and i am taken to a room and i lala or i think that is what i did.
When i wake up coz the phone next to my bed is ringing,
i look at it,
it looks at me
I ignore it.
It rings again
I pick it up and and listen(what can i say i watch too many movies)
And horror of horros its my cousin who listed herself as next of kin in case of any emergency, now this cousin demon in disguise ok i lie sweet angel ok i lie(i hope you read this and forgive me) started of by asking ME who had a really bad headache, lets call her TLC short for that loco cousin
TLC:What is going on!!! i hear ati uko hosi(this came out so loudly i winced)
DonQ:Who said so?(whats with the dumb questins leo?)
TLC: A nurse called me am listed as the emergency contact remember.
DonQ:They are realising me in an hour so everything is ok.
TLC:Is that what they said well anyways rest i will see you soon.

Dont be mislead, the undertone of sarcasm in her voice it was not only heavy, it actualy made my heart talk out loud(this was partly coz i was mad with the nurse who called her and with myself for not telling the nurse not to call anyone).

I try to farmiliarise with my suroundings hhmm bed, me, everything else seems blurry and my hand stings abit, must be coz of a shot. A minute later a nurse walks in says something about my fever being really high and my heart beat faint, i want to tell him that its not faint but that it likes to be quite, but i hardly think he will find that amusing so i kimya. Tests????

"Did you just says test's?" i ask him, and he says yes, how many? i inquire, i get told just some blood work nothing much, piece of cake i think.
And then in walks this stocky short guy and with the most stern face i have ever seen, dude smiles coz he thinks my eyes are wide coz of the neddle he is holding "this will just sting abit".I shrug my shoulders to indicate i dont care besides it not me am worried about but the neddle(the hands holding it, well maybe not holding it but swallowing it look like they will smash it to pieces).
I lenga looking at the neddle and look at the guy, he some how find this disconcerting coz he misses my vein.
Try number 2 miss.
Try number 3 miss.
Try number 4 miss.
My right hand is swollen beyond recognition, but because i want it all to be over i tell him to try my left hand.
First miss.
Second miss.
He suggest's that i stop looking at him.
I stop.
Third miss.
I suggest we try it another nurse(what i really wanted to say was "go get some oranges and practice tafathali").
As he leaves my angel aka TLC walks in, why do i think she is angry? my head hurts too much to think.
But she is in good health good nagging and shouting at me health she did not shout but she may as well have, she choose to hiss, hiss that i dont care about her at all, now where did this come from? hiss that am a pompous ass, what i ask is a pompous ass? hiss that if i ever did what i just did i will live to regret it, what did i just do?.
Saved by stocky aka the nurse who could not find a vein that was staring him in the face, and he has a new neddle.Ok slow poke lets see what happens this time.
Miss one, (i would have frowned if my head did not hurt so much)
Try's to jab me tena and as i try to say no, my cousins throws dagger looks at me, and luckily this time its not a miss.
2 hours later my blood work is back and i have;
Low blood ph.
lympho blah blah, i ask what that meant in english i was told my white blood cells were to many and they are waging war!!!
A viral infection, i ask what is it and here is the shocker ITS TOO EARLY TO TEll!!!!

Tell who i ask me or the virus?

No they just need to do more blood work!! and treat me with some antibiotics, syrup? no TABLETS.

WHAT TABLETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that was the straw that broke this camels back, i refuse to meza dawa however small or few tablets they maybe be.
1 minute after i hear that i gather my clothes i vaa them and i tell my cousin twende home. She is still to pissed to talk to me but she had the energy to say that if i was found in a mtaro she will not weep, lol. The hosi called i told them to call back when they KNOW what is wrong with me.

p.s If this user does not blog in the recent coming days please notify next of kin ;).

THE TRIBAL VIOLENCE.

Just a few questions?

1. Does a man who is strong enough to beba(carry) a machete to go and kill his next door neighbour opressed enough yet?

I say no the politicians it seems have not done enough yet, the peopel are still to blind to see that when their so called leader tells thems so and so is against "our people" the said leader is actaully reffering to themselves and not the whole blasted tribe.

2. Ok the neighbour is dead, what is your benefit? land? more food? better education? the list is very long.

Honestly what is some one thinking when they think problems facing them will be majicaly erased because there a few less hungry angry mouths?. As a citizen you loose when you have less people to help you reform the goverment and the so called said leaders. The person who could have stood by you as you shout "fairness for all" is pushing up daises. It's about time we opened our eyes and took off our tribals masks.

3. How do our MP's live with themselves knowing that becasue of their lack of "leadership" many lives are lost?

Same way live when themselves when they squande away money that is meant for their constituents. An MP does not give a rats ass what happens to his/ her constituents so why is it that when they say some dumb statement we the people are quick to jump and agree? Are we so dumb that we get swayed by mare words tumbling out of a "tribemate's mouth?" if that is the case then we are doomed.

I am angry with the people not with the MP's mainly becase unlike the people the MP's are looking out for themselves while the people are busy trying to alianate each other, only when we realise that, if we dont stand up or our selves any one who says that they will represent us is lying to us, will we be able to have all our basic needs as a nation fulfilled. Before you elect any one to represent you in our house of "slumber" first find out what kind of person they are, after all the said MP's lived amongst you once apon a time. Electing a mean spirited man to lead you will only leave you with a mean spirited leader even though the said man is your brother, men dont change becase their fortune changed(getting elected into the said slumber house) they will remain the same. Choose wisely or dont grumble when the cards you delt come back to bite you in your rear.

ENTER THE GRIM REAPERS

"Election 2007: Radical plans for 94 new MPs
By Standard Reporters
A Government-created constitutional review team proposes to push the number of MPs to a record 316 — 94 more than the current 222.
Of the total, at least 90 would be women, thanks to a generous affirmative action clause aimed at righting "historical wrongs" against women.
Among the radical electoral proposals by a committee of the Multi-Sectoral Forum (MSF) is one for the creation of 20 seats for the youth, people with disabilities, trade unions, ethnic minorities and pastoralists. Of these, 10 seats must also be taken by women as would six of 12 seats currently for nominated MPs. This is according to a document the Multi-Sectoral Steering Committee (MSC) is scheduled to hand over to Justice and Constitutional Affairs minister Martha Karua tomorrow.
The MSC — co-chaired by Kanu politician Dalmas Otieno and Health minister Charity Ngilu — was constituted by Karua to make proposals on how to resolve the contentious issues in the rejected draft constitution of 2005.
The MSC document, a copy of which The Standard has, also recommends that out of the 22 remaining Electoral Commission of Kenya commissioners, at least three be retained for institutional memory.
Christened the "November Package", the proposals have serious implications for the Kenyan taxpayers, who would be asked to fork out a further Sh69 million a month to maintain the new MPs.
Although the raft of proposed constitutional reforms is meant to level the playing field and "right historical wrongs" ahead of next year’s General Election, it is likely to raise the question of whether Kenya can afford the structure of representative democracy it proposes.
The package — expected to be tabled in Parliament this month — is to be presented to the Karua-led MSF tomorrow.
Currently, according to a recent payslip of an ordinary MP (which The Standard has acquired), an MP earns a gross pay of Sh730,000 per month.
An MP’s basic salary is Sh200,000; a minimum commuted mileage of Sh75,000; an entertainment allowance of Sh60,000; an extraneous allowance pegged at Sh30,000; a house allowance of Sh70,000 and a motor vehicle fixed cost of Sh247,000.
With an additional 94 MPs, the parliamentary payroll would amount to at least Sh231.4 million per month.
However, the total amount would be far higher considering that the Vice-President, Official Leader of the Opposition, Ministers, Assistant Ministers, whips and Parliamentary Service Commission (PSC) members are paid extra allowances, sometimes amounting to Sh300,000 each per month.
The reforms package also proposes the entrenchment in the current Constitution of the review process, the independence of ECK and the parliamentary calendar.
The MSC agreed that ECK should have nine commissioners although initially, there was a stalemate on the mode of selecting them.
Later, it was resolved that each of the nine commissioners would be picked by a 75 per cent consensus vote in the Parliamentary Departmental Committee on Administration of Justice and Constitutional Affairs.
Each candidate would then need a 65 per cent majority of all MPs when the names are tabled before the House.
A simple majority would carry the day where two successive votes have yielded no successful candidate.
The current ECK is headed by Mr Samuel Kivuitu and has 28 commissioners.
The Government has been uncomfortable with the current ECK and has ignored Kivuitu’s call for the replacement of commissioners whose terms have expired.
According to the new proposals, interested commissioners would have to apply directly to the Clerk of the National Assembly.
Successful applicants would be in office for only one term of seven years.
If the proposals go through, all future ECK chairmen must have the qualifications of a High Court judge while other commissioners must have at least a university degree.
The vice-chairman would be picked from among the eight remaining commissioners.
The committee also resolved that the next Parliament would have independent candidates — presidential, parliamentary and civic.
However, an independent presidential candidate — like party-nominated presidential aspirants — must be backed by 20,000 registered voters instead of the current 10,000.
Out of the 20,000 voters, 10,000 must be from five constituencies. The aim is to ensure the candidate has a national appeal.
By awarding 90 seats in Parliament to women, Kenya would be emulating other East African countries.
Tanzania has reserved 75 seats for women in a Parliament of 320 MPs, while Uganda has 69 seats for women, with five each for the youth, people with disabilities and workers. Uganda has 319 MPs.
In Kenya, there would be 74 women district representatives, 10 women seats for youth, people with disabilities, trade unions, ethnic minorities and pastoralists and six nominated women MPs, bringing the total number of women MPs to 90.
Women would also be allowed to contest the normal constituency seats as well, which would raise their numbers beyond the 90-mark.
The 74 women district representatives would be picked through an Electoral College at the district level through district party lists.
The 20 seats for special groups would also be picked through a national Electoral College but within the special groups only."

I read that leo from the standard and am so mad i cant even explain it.

1. Why more mp's coz teh average kenyan who is living near the poverty line can afford to pay more taxes so that some one can sleep in the parliament?
2. Affarmative action MY FOOT!!!!!!!
3.What have the present mp's done? NOTHING!!!!! except steal yes STEAL from the mwananchi left right and center.

"An MP’s basic salary is Sh200,000; a minimum commuted mileage of Sh75,000; an entertainment allowance of Sh60,000; an extraneous allowance pegged at Sh30,000; a house allowance of Sh70,000 and a motor vehicle fixed cost of Sh247,000.
With an additional 94 MPs, the parliamentary payroll would amount to at least Sh231.4 million per month."
Yani pay that to an individual when at the same time you have countless dying of diseases from lack of proper medical care, or dying from hunger and malnutrition? it is not only mean its incomprehensible. Shocking aspect thsi is being done to us by our LEADERS, what are they leading us to DEATH!!!!!

P.s To be continued......

AS THE END DRAWS.........

Well finaly the day is over, but unlike most days when you have wished many many bad things happen to all those who have irked you in the least bit albeit in whispers. Funny thing is i really never got pissed just irritated, funny thing this having patience with humanity.

And here it is,

The twist that had even me, who thought she had seen it all!!!!!!!!!! kumbe

I walk...... nay i dray my feet to the subway,

Wondering why today the steps seem to many.

Wait for the damn thing to arrive,

Five minutes later i think if i frown any harder the skin on my forehead will rip.

Open seseme and as i walk in some jamma is blocking my way, looking at me, no staring NO gawking, Now dont go getting me wrong like any female i like getting looked at, but gawked AT!!! i dont appreciate. Seriously and giving someone a once over yani kumwangalia mtu from kichwa mpaka miguu sio polite, not that am the polite kind. This fools friend decides to help him out as though the perv needed any help with the way he was looking at me.

Being in no mood to let all the curses running through my mind come out through my mdomo i step back to let them pass, and yes maybe after watching the news and seeing all those offenders realsed into society its better this way. Lakini wapi,no movement from the 2 zombies at this point the vein on my temple is throbbing and pulsing it feels like a hammer add that to the fact that half the people in the train are looking at me and my odd "admirers".

Should i just knock some sense in this fool, seeing a black eye develope will give me soo much joy i think. Deep in my mind this scene plays over......

Will the defendant please rise!!!!!
Reluctantly I rise up accused of teaching manners no, knocking sense into oen who wanted nothing to do with the said sense and getting ma ass shipped of to some jela.

No woooossaaaahh something says in the recess of my mind.

And then the speaker in the train goes "would those monkeys keeping the door open move please" And poof!!!! goes the smile on the pervs face.

I almost laugh, but no this situation does not require laughter.

I just walk in and sit down and think just when i thought the hex was over, damn.

Now am thinking maybe i should weka those Iron doors seeing as dumb and dummber could be dangerous.

HAVE I BEEN HEXED?.

Leo has been a very trying day for my newly aquired patience(aquired coz mine is always on a very short leashe). Mistake numero uno!!!!! i let my housmate/pain in the neck talk me into waiting for her bad bad idea, i have never seen a person change clothes so many times yet still find fault with what they decide to wear in the end. So i got to work 20 minutes late and there i was working on showing up on time, damn.

Get into my tiny cubicle sit and viola paper work the size to give me a mild heart attack, my manager walks in and say's some thing to the likes of "most of this was supposed to have gone to head office on monday." I try very hard not to ask what i was to do with that little info she just handed over, but tongue in cheek i just nod and hope she gets hit with the worst luck this side of hell.

What to do work on this or the assignment that is half way done shyt!!!!! i work on my assignment, lenga lunch and now i have so many paper cuts on my hands they feel sore.

my shift is over now, i have to head over to class, i wonder what the stuck up proff is going to say today?

HI.

Hi there new home, i vacated the last one after some one read my old blog even after i had told them countless times to stay AWAY!!!!!!!!. you may not be as safe as the other one, let's just hope they get the message and keep their prying eyes to themselves, otherwise i shall just quit blogging all together(not that am a serious blogger, but quiting should come from me not from some snoppy peeping mary who has the habits of a troll!!!!!.

p.s my apologies to all the trolls out there who had to be compared to the ogre mentioned above.