AM BACK.

OK yani sijui niseme i have so many excuses and most are very valid, i have missed blogging sana tena, thats all i can say now though wacha i ask since i got tagged what am i supposed to do? BTW i cant do a podcast or a video so dont no body be giving me such tags pliizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. BANTU ICH MZEE EGM PRINCESS AM BACK YOU ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO FLY OR NOT TO FLY.....

I stand accused of laziness and I plead erm well lets jus say I contest this allegation strongly, well I was going to write about how Miss took a solo flying lesson on an icy Monday morning that was a couple of weeks back. Lakini I have a question, what does one feel according to most people in a near death experience? See I was in an accident f sorts, we were traveling to another town and there was a blizzard and we lost control in the highway and did around 3 360 degree spins on a two lane highway. Apart from sharp in takes of breath no one screamed and when we came to a stop we just did a 3 point turn and off we were. We were lucky because due to the blizzard cars were really far spaced and everyone was keeping their distance. Our driver went into around 5 minutes of shaky laughter and rumblings one of the other gals went mute sitting erect and looking straight ahead. Another held on to the coat rack****you know the thing that people weka their jackets and hang it hapo ehe that one**** and me this is what puzzles me I felt nada apart from the first instance where there was just a tint jolt of WHAT THE HELL!!!! Don’t get me wrong the adrenalin rush was massive. The whole episode has my pal the driver thinking me needs to see a shrink ama get some religious guidance coz death is scary according to her. Personally I think death should not be scary at all, so that is what I had really wanted to ask, what is your take on death? And do you agree of disagree with me that when people morn the dead it’s a selfish act. I say this because if say they morn because the deceased left them, isn’t that they morn for their own loss and not that of the deceased? Also why is it so rare to find a person who can smile when they remember a dead relative, friend sibling parent etc. Does death over shadow the rest of their whole life?


On to “lighter” matters well in my last post I introduced you guys to Miss X, the diva extreme well on a certain very icy Monday during the lunch break as I was sitting gulping down my coffee and many donuts****if you ask me that is a healthy lunch****** Miss X was walking back if you ask me she looked like she had been feeding on goat hooves its the only time you see her smiling as she walks back to work, well in this day she had a very broad smile and a swagger of sort to her walk you know the am giddy happy kind where people walk with light steps that exudes to the outsides. Let me just say yani she looked transformed this was the mama that will suck teeth and keep sucking for like a full minute yeah mpaka you think all the saliva is finished na the mdomo has been turned into a miniature sahara desert. Well as she was walking gaily on air the worst thing that can ever happen to a diva happened to my dear Miss X wacha I tell you, one leg did those karete moves where the leg tries to do a 90 degree angle to the waist yeah that one but Miss X in all her voluptuousness could not handle that so the other leg followed the first one. In that instance it was her first flying lesson and flew she did I KID YOU NOT!!! Yani because of the body mass she was flung erm I mean flew a short distance. Here comes my confessions the confession of a mad crazy mind see when Miss X was in the air from the minute her first leg t its first karate lesson to the minute she mad contact with earth everything kinda moved in slow motion so in my mind this is how it played out coz I was wondering what she was thinking the whole time****don’t judge me pwiissssss***

Oh I looks so good today yes I do (first leg flies up wards) OH dear God who is that screaming (it was her btw second leg goes up)”Houston we have achieved lift off” some one catch me**teeth sucking I mean major teeth sucking**** and then there is Houston flight is in danger mayday!!!! mayday!!!! Houston flight cannot be sustained I repeat cannot be sustained Houston we are going dowwwwwwwwwwwwn” AAAAAAAAAAAAAA*insert shocked scream**

That scream shocked me back to reality and I had to run to washroom and laugh in there coz some old lady was giving me the evil eye when I started to laugh papo hapo**always wanted to say that*** Miss X if ever you come across this page and read it pliz pretty pliz you can do anything but take it to heart it was funny if you had been me you would have laughed too, see I knew you would be a good sport and understand.

NEW START?

Well i have been kinda quite for a while and i have a very good reason, see its a new job and that means new rules to adjust to, new people to deal with, new ways to work.......trying to figure out how you can incooperate you uni work as you work, yani its like multitasking to the max. It turns out "they" my employers had another idea yani its milk her for all she has before she decides to flee, flee you ask??? wacha i tell you why you would want to flee. Have you ever been just sitting in your ka offisi and next thing kuna vyoo(glass) ya gari zina ***i lie*** it was windscreens and bonnets, yeah you got it right watu walikuwa wana pigana" and there was the "No weapons allowed on premises" after kuuliza i get told ati kuna msee alikam na chuma(gun), and since then i have been seriously thinking of tendering my resgination. Alafu kuna the thing with all the damn youth vuating bangi yani mpaka you wonder if the smell is left on you nguo.

OK am done ranting.

On vale after the meeting people just sat around ehe coz ni vale and people should just sit and talk kubaff wote, so we sat with coffee mugs(mine looks like a birika) that was me and greg***the addicts**** the rest na maji, i say to heck with water is good for you. Wacha i stop digressing, so watu were talking about how women expect men to treat them all princessy and buy kila kitu, so this mama whom i shall not name for fear of getting sat on. Have you ever met someone and you jua mess with 'em and next thing yani hata wathii wount hear you screams, well this mama is that kind, and her thayos eish they can crack a peannut, yani that's how close and well built they are(Nani if you read this all that was said as a compliment).

This mama, as watu were busy yapping about how no ati they aint the kinda gal who expects to be pampered she was all quite and had something sort of a sneer on her face, and then she sucks her teeth si u jua how people just go something like msssshhhhhqhhs(aki that is how i think it should be written down). I and the rest of the group turn to look and kila mtu knows this habit if hers, so there is me looking at her with shock and awe mainly coz she was sucking so hard i was waiting to see her lips give in to the sanction. BTW that did not happen, and she says " eh me?? me Miss X NOOOO my man has to treat me Good" and then went back to sucking teeth. Yani its straight face hakuna kicheko well not from her atleast the rest of us were busy cluthing our ribs. Some dude ask's her why and she reply's with some more sucking and a very loud unplesant EH!!!!!. Someone told her if she expects that, she had better be ready to say how high when she gets asked to jump, Miss X hands akimbo says "who me? index finger on the udders she stole from some freshian(sp)***some sucking**** I DON'T THINK SO". There were people on the floor laughing coz this mama would talk and weka sura ya kazi like concrete i tell you.

BTW this post is work in progress and since saa hii sina tyme i shall maliza kesho.But there is this here gem that i patad as i was cleaning out my mail.

POOR JABU.

Jabu walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a while his teacher got worried and asked him
about it. Jabu's answer was: "Our house is very small
miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep in the
same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Jabu are you
sleeping?' Then I say 'no' and then he donners me and
gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "when your father asks
again, keep dead quiet and don?t answer". The
following morning Jabu comes to school and his eye is
fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief.

But the day after that Jabu comes back with a black
eye again.

"My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?"

He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again... 'Jabu are
you sleeping?... and I shut up and kept dead still.
Then my father and my mother started doing... you
know, mos... 'IT' on the bed. Then my father asks my
mother: 'Are you coming?' then my mom says, 'Yes I'm
coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered ...
'Yes'.

Not wanting to get left behind, I also answered and
said 'wait for me, I'm also coming, let me just put on
my shoes!' THAT'S WHEN I WAS MOERED!!!"

HER STORY.

I once met this girl, sweetest girl you met, i know it sounds like a cliche but she was the kind that are quite, never say too much rarely annoy you or speak ill of others that last bit kinda facsinated me. I mean there was this other girl who was such a nag and a pain in the rear, and she sorta liked picking on the quite one. Watching her make rude remarks and sneers was enough to make you want to gag, but since i did not know any one of them, it used to serve as a free movie of sorts***i know its real mean to see some one getting picked on and doing nothing but my defence is i stood up for a her a couple of times and the last time she said to quote her "I dont need you help OK"****** and later on i once asked her why she never told the scorpion**class nickname for the nag*** to butt off and she said that the scorpoin needs an outlet too.

We ended in the as a two team onion growing force as i liked to call it, it was our agriculture project. She was a good sport if you over looked the fact that she had no idea how to weed or get our little shamba ready for the onions, neither did i but after countless panos where me and the school fork jembe formed an intimate realtionship i was better prepared.

Two weeks into our project we were working like a well oiled machine, she only spoke to me if i asked or said something and some of my friends told me to ask for a new teammate. But i kinda liked the silence it remined me of faima they were worlds apart coz faima was so sunny, always smilling, always up to something and never listening to a word i said, while she on the other hand rarely smiled she was also very shy and she never looked at anyone straight, diffrence is faima learned to be quite and she well she seemed liek she was born quite.

School closed but we had to come in every afternoon to water our onions a task hated but that had to be done, during this time bicpets and tricepts were compared and jocked about even the blisters from the jerry cans(sp) became such a norm people stopped complaining and talking about them too much.

Evertime we were done watering i left, i asked her to come but she said wanted to rest, so i left with some other others girls and they said she leaves at around 6 every day and that wierd would not suffice to descirbe her, i told them they were jerks, i walked home alone.

The next day i stayed behind with her, i sat sketching, she sat with her book, we left at 6 walked home not talking. This went on for two weeks, and school was almost back,i was not sure i had any friends left, but i was ok anyways they talked too much.

"He was my teacher".......huh "did you say something" i asked her, "He was my teacher he was wearing a checkered shirt and had on some khaki pants i was 5 years old."

She was looking at me, and she did not look sad nor had any expressions but i did not want to hear what she had to say, so i said nothing to encourage her, i just kept on sketching.

"I can still fell his hands on me his nail scratched my thighs its scratched me there too, he then took my hand and made me hold his D***, i was scared i wanted to run but he was holding my hand so tight. He asked me if i liked it, i shook my head, then he slapped me. I remember i running and that is it."

Did you tell you mom or dad, this was me asking, but she said she did not remember anything else, why, how come and did you still go back to that school? she did not remember all that, all she remembers is moving to our ka village a few months later.

I wanted to say i was sorry for her, but after the i dont need you help stint i doubted that she wanted my pity, so i kept quite, and i asked her what she wanted me do? she said nothing.

Me:Did it only happen once?
Her:Yes and no,
Me:Ok, but you only remember the first time?
Her:It wasnt him the second time.

I had no idea what to say, so all i said was "oh ok"? and she just smiled and told me if i was uncomfotable she would be quite.

If i was uncomfortable? me why, i was angry with myself for being such a fummbling idiot but think as hard as i could i had nothing btter that "oh ok" to say.

She said that her cousin had been nicer and had only molested her when was dead asleep all she knows is that everynight she went to sleep in in her room and the next morning she woke up bila underpants, the first time she thought it was her own forgetfullness, the second time she woke up with someone on top her with a hand on her mouth. She told her mom her mom, her mom told her dad, her dad scolded them and they beat her her up,when her folks weren't home for telling lies. So she just kept quite.

The worst bit was her cousin was back in town and he was acting as though he never did any wrong and it was bothering her because she was scared he might try and do something again.

That day we walked home me silent coz i had no idea what to say that would not come out dumb and foolish or crass for that matter. I just told her that she could count on me for anything, and she told me that i should promise to one day tell her story.
I had no idea what that meant and i did not ask, i just made a promise that i have no kept.

School opened and she did not come the first week, on that friday she killed herself. Everyone thought it was tragic and sad. I had a promise to keep, so i decided to volonteer, right now i work at this shelter for abused women, everyday it feels like i take abit of their pain with me, like i loose abit of my soul everytime i am unable to help someone because i feel i have failed and that i have let her die again, i cant even tell her story realy well, it seems all am good or is fummbling about.

I still promise to tell your story i just need to be ready for it

MEANDERING THOUGHTS.

A senseless mind, without thought, abandon and wrecking havoc, not in this world, not in my world. Numb from the silence its so very loud, i want it to stop, i simply just cant take it any more, i scream huh what no sound? i scream louder!!! why cant i hear my scream, i roll my tongue in my mouth yep its there, why roll my tongue i ask myself do i really require it for screaming? Whats the point any ways i have my tongue and yet still there is no sound........

The silence is growing serenading my senses,its music so sweet, i let myself go, why fight a battle you cant win, I tell myself "This is my soliloquy, This are my thoughts" they call my name, they seduce me, they reach for me, arms outstretched holding on.

She/he he/she take your pick stood there looking in the mirror,

do they know what i did?

have i lost my soul?

do i look sexy in this?

do i look paraniod?

The tired eyes and hollow being, if only mirrors could talk? Are you her or him? ever been them?

Is life a lesson to be learnt or survial for the fittest or just simply a test? Have i failed? to survive, to learn and to pass the ultimate test? If i had would i be sad or disappointed.

Will anyone ever see the prints? My prints in the sands of time to come or will they get washed away with tide?

My thoughts are moving to fast, now am wondering what sadness would look like? would it look more like me or more like you?or will it be faceless just emptyness. And happiness? is happiness the aroma of food to a hungry man or roses to a fikkle heart?

I want to say more but my shoulder hurts too much to continue.....

HERE COMES FOUR EYES.

FInally i decided to stop lying to myself, i do that sometimes, and YES You do it too, stop lying to yourself, so what was i saying yes, i went to the optician to get my glasses fixed, see thing is i had wekad them in my bag and had stepped on the bag and the lens broke. This way back in 2004 for those of you who are laughing and think am as blind as a bat NO i just can see things really well, or read very well, so if i have left comments that were way off now you know why.
Bantu if you dare try suggesting those round rimmed things i shall twanga you senseless. After loosing nearly 10 pairs (i have been wearing glasses since i was in class 8) i have finally decided if i loose this pair i shall pluck*****pluck because it seems i cant for the life of me wear lense***** get contact lenses



That baby is not my glasses but it looks like that tihihi, and the fitting was kazi kidogo due to my small nose so it wount slip when i bend to look down. Now to find a way to ensure i dont leave it in the subway or at some place like that, any hints people and suggesting that i weka a string is not helping.

And Bantu watch this space........

DEFORESTATION.

This post inspired by the one Ichiena recently my housemates friends came over for a visit***two of them to be exact*** . They both seemed like nice people if the fact that one was a nudist was to be over looked(they stayed for a week such habits are not easy to miss), the other was a shy lil individual who could cook a mean lasagna and i mean the kind that makes your mouth water after that first bite.

Since i was busy and coming home form the library in the hours of midnight and likes, i volonteered my room and was sleeping on the sofa. OK OK maybe it has something to do with the fact that for me to share a bed with another person i have to REALLY REALLY like them. Wacha i disgrees kwanza ebu.

*************************************************************************************

Mimi i have very good sleeping habits yani i lala on one side and when am turning am fully awake that ensures that;
A. I don’t kick.
B. I don’t hog the blanketi.

OK that’s all i can come up with now but it’s a long list, so when i actually agree to let some one into my haven they had better behave****and many dont****. Like zamani erm i mean we once had visitors and my lil sis had to share my bed with me and horrror of HORRORS i wake up feeling like i have a ngunia on me and i can’t move my legs, WAIT i can’t move my head well either LOOKI LOOKI there is a toe in my ear!!!! WTF!!!!. I KICKED so hard she went flying out the bed, the lil rooster had gone and turned my feet into a makeshift pillow and my face a resting place for her feet. Next thing i know there is a scream from the floor and some one jumps on me i was TWANGWAD aki the ngumis that kairetu can pack, the screams woke up kila mtu and i was from that day on, marooned on the couch when visitors came calling. END OF DISGRESSION.

************************************************************************************

It turned out the mama who could cook really well was a nudist in waiting so one day as i was sleeping on my tinsy island i wake up coz someone left the kitchen tap running ***arrgg dont you hate it when a person does that***** and i as i dragged my lazy rump to go funga the tap who do i meet coming out of the bafu!!!!! the cook and she was pithecus, bilas, nada. Yours truly just chuckled to herself and walked on, then the pic registered in her mind, walked back and saw,What me thinks the longest untrimmed grass, futhi, call it what you may and proceeded to laugh her heart out. Si watu woke up to find out what the frukazz was about and viola kwanza my housemate screamed!!!!!! and her friend the nudist joined me on the floor.

When i was able to control my kicheko i asked her, why kwani she wants to beat borats stash of pubic hair, and she says ati she is scared of wembe!!!! and what about waxing? to this she paled and closed the bathroom door.

Anyhew mama it seems thought about our outburst and while in the bafu saw Nair, and after a quick read and finding out that it removes body hair in a max 3 mins proceeded to generously apply it to her Congo forest. She decided to read it as she waited for the 3 mins to isha and somewhere on the bottle she sees this;

"Caution: Do not use in irritated, inflamed or broken skin. Keep away from eyes. Should Nair touch the eyes wash thoroughly with lukewarm water. If irritation occurs consult your physician. Keep away from children. Nair can be used on legs arms face any where except in nose, ears, on breast nipples, perenial or virginal/genital areas."

She screamed a guttural scream and with the hair that was falling off so were her tears there was nothing that we said that consoled her ****it might have had something to do with the fact that we were talking between gulps of laughter***
So later that day off to the physician we went....

TENANT.

This blog will house a squatter(said with much adoration) untill the said squater can find her own place. So musishangae sana coz there will be two people posting their crap erm gems in the name of thoughts at the same time untill, well i dont know untill when.

p.s I know i promised some one a rant and another one a post on chapo bootcamp and i will write, and on how manukato dude reciprocated is saved some where in the recess of my mind. If i can muster the energy i shall do that post this weekend. Since am going to be jobless soon haitus is up i guess, soo Bantu get ready for "the phoenix new edtion".

LITTLE F******* MANIPULATORS.

Well it has been quite a rough patch, a new year and it sucks already, i mean its what mid jan and am near pulling the hair out of my head, and who ever said some B*LLS*** about keeping a positive attitude was spewing crap and i SHIT you not, i have tried that for 3 months now and all it does is frustrate you more, smile think that it could have been worse, Hell who i am kidding when i tell myself this? (seriously hun i dont know how you do this but that person you wish me to be can never be) dissappionting but did you expect any less.

And this blog this is never what i wanted for it, and now its out of my control and the control freak in me wants it shut down but some how i like it's something that comes out of me that i refuse to control. See me i have never been the type to talk or write about what bothers me or what am thinking out or what it i would like to do, but lately offlaoding has been neccessary i mean i had not lost my temper in 3 years(my temper is the demon i inheritted from my dad) and last year and just this year twice, tae kwondo practice does not help any more and me thought maybe my sis' idea of writting it out would be good, lets just say i should have known better A. coz its of no use and this is the first time that ia actually doing and some how am getting more pissed as i contuniue to write.

Kwanza some people have shidaz always jumping to tell you "ati you have issues" "why are you like this" kwani how am i supposed to be, am so tired of taking blame for jack stuff that 3/4 of the time i have no idea what the hell it is. I know i can be too effing crude and some times i know i deserve half the shit that comes down my way but sometimes you meet some charaters that just drain you and i mean REALLY drain you and no amount of reason or logic is usefull in dealling with them and when you stoop down to their level, shock of all shock's the names you get called the demon that you all of a sudden become. It even makes you wonder? really that bad truth be told you could be that horrible and that bad and that mean and that cold, but the little F****** manipulator is worse with their thinking that if they make you feel guilty enough you will accept fault that isn't even yours.

So this post here is dedicated to all those LFM(Little F****** Manipulators) out there get real and loose the sheep skin you are just fooling yourselves.

And to a friend i am cold, am calculative, am pessimistic, i always think guilty till rproven innocent, that is me, you knew this even way back then, they say you can never teach an old dog new tricks well try and apply that principle to me. I cant be like you i cant be like him, i cant be like her and i most certaily can never be like them, i can only be me, and if still bothers you sooo STAY THE F*** AWAY FROM ME.

NEW YEAR????

This post dedicated to Aegues, egm and Unyc. After decideing that it was war, i mean me shopping is stressfull, for me and the person that end up dragging with me to the mall and this time i was going to get stressed all alone, i mean people how can you be soo mean that you desert me in my hour of need? ngojeni tu your time shall come.

23rd fikas and still bilas becuase me being me i procastinated so on the 24th i joined the throng of late shoppers like me who had no idea what it is they wanted, and the number of people has me thinking that there are many many late shoppers in toronto or that they all live for sales.

First stop future shop, i walk in and after seeing all the people i walk out. I head to sears and viola they seem to have a stand for scents, (see this is my speciality i have a nose that has is very good when it comes to colonge and perfume)



And that baby up there i will tell you all male bloggers is SUHWEET!!!!,And might cost a pretty penny and it's what i got and some silverish cufflinks(sp). This was a two hour ordeal coz the people jameni i mean the lines aghhrrrrr(insert very angry here).

Msee after getting his suprise was actually suprised, eti he did not think the troll that is me can have such good taste huh ati what? shindwe!!!!. Needless to say come new year i was suprised.

To be continued